right before your eyes, i'm breaking
by BleepBlapBloop
Summary: He makes another deal with the devil – Klaus' words – and tries not to think about how sometimes it feels like the devil is the only one who cares about him.


This wasn't supposed to be about S&K but ended up being about them anyway because... Damon and Elena, wow. Wow. Isn't it hilarious (no, it isn't) how Klaus hurt Stefan because he thought that he was actually doing him a favor, that he was helping him, while Damon and Elena, you know, the brother Stefan gave up everything for in order to save his life and the girlfriend who claims to love Stefan oh-so-much have no problem going behind his back ("oh, Damon's only teaching me how to feed" o.O) even when they can see that they're hurting Stefan? Just... why doesn't Elena break up with him already if she spends half the time dreaming about Damon anyways? If she's in love with Damon, fine, she should be with Damon. But for the love of everything, stop hurting Stefan, he doesn't deserve it.

Sorry for the rant.

Anyway, here goes nothing.

Title from _The Last Time_ by Taylor Swift & Gary Lightbody

Don't own TVD. If I did, everyone would appreciate their siblings and no one would hurt Rebekah. Ever.

* * *

Contrary to popular belief, Stefan is not an idiot.

He knows that he's losing Elena, losing her to Damon, knows that he's been losing her bit by bit, every day a little more since the two of them met. But that's – surprisingly or not, he doesn't even care but supposes it's the latter – alright, because if he's losing _her_, it means that he gets to keep them both, and that's –

That's all he could ever ask for.

Sometimes Stefan wants things he knows he shouldn't want. Sometimes he's selfish and desperate and willing to do anything and everything to keep those he loves close to him; he clings to them, holding on for dear life because without them he wouldn't even know who he's supposed to be.

He'll always feel sorry for making Damon turn but probably not as much as he should because, well, without Damon, he would –

He wouldn't.

Wouldn't do anything, wouldn't be anything, wouldn't _be_ at all.

He wouldn't know how to live, how to function, how to exist, there is no life without Damon, not for him. The love Stefan has for his brother is the one immutable truth that will always anchor him to reality, to the world, to himself, will always remind him of who he truly is, remind him of innocence, of candid happiness, of two boys who only ever had each other.

But what they once had is now broken beyond repair and Stefan wishes he could say that's _fine_, this is who they are now, what they are, lost and broken and hurt and definitely not human, but it wouldn't change the fact that he forced Damon to become something he didn't want to.

Stefan will always love Elena because she reminds him of who he strives to be. Because she's kind and forgiving and loving, and she makes him want to become someone better, but now she's the one who's becoming someone else, and Stefan knows better than anyone that if she gives in there's no turning back. He doesn't want her to feel the guilt he's felt since his first kill, the crushing guilt that only keeps on growing with time, so if he had the chance to give Elena her humanity back –

If he had the chance to give _Damon_ his humanity back –

Well.

He knows that before long the inevitable will happen, that _DamonandElena_ will happen and he'll end up alone, drowning in his ocean of misery and self-loathing. He wonders if they'll even notice.

Probably not.

No one will try to pull him out and put him back together because Lexi isn't one call away anymore and he's not going to taint anyone else with his darkness, he'll just have to deal with it on his own, because as much as he acts like one of the cool kids, he really isn't. He's just as lonely as Rebekah.

But he doesn't care, it doesn't matter, a broken heart is a price Stefan is more than willing to pay as long as the two people he loves the most are happy.

So he makes another deal with the devil – Klaus' words – and tries not to think about how sometimes it feels like the devil is the only one who cares about him.

He doesn't understand what Klaus wants from him, why he still won't let go even after everything Stefan did. It doesn't make sense, because it's _Klaus_ and Stefan knows Klaus, knows him so well that sometimes it scares Stefan because that wasn't supposed to happen and does that mean he's insane too?

It's a bit more than just a little unnerving – but not exactly surprising, if he's being honest – that Klaus would let him get away with murder and forgive him so easily, whereas Rebekah still has to pay for a stupid mistake she made centuries ago. Maybe it's just a ruse and Klaus is secretly planning to –

To do what, really?

Stefan is certain that Klaus won't hurt him and that is as reassuring as it is alarming.

Some secrets are stronger than family.

And maybe some weird-ass relationships are stronger than rationality and self-preservation, because Stefan sees that Klaus is still so completely unguarded around him and he kind of wants to tell him that he really, really shouldn't be, wants to warn him, this won't end well, it never ends well for the two of them, Klaus should've learned that by now, should know that it would be better – safer – to stay away from Stefan.

But somehow they end up working together again, because of course they do.

It's uncanny, the way they keep gravitating towards each other, how life seems to love putting them in these situations where they need each other's help, and it doesn't matter if they even try to stay away, they'll end up thrown together anyhow.

But working together and keeping it a secret from everyone else feels comfortable, familiar, almost natural somehow, and Stefan is ashamed because he knows it should feel wrong and yet – it doesn't.

This is the part where he should be remembering everything Klaus did to him

(_everything he did to Klaus_)

how Klaus dragged him back into the shadows and made him doubt himself and everything he believed in

(_lies, blood, Elena screaming on a bridge, a heart that stopped beating_)

Klaus is darkness, Stefan's darkness

(_or is it the other way around?_)

But if Klaus embodies that part of himself that Stefan desperately tries to keep under control, then – how is he supposed to stay away from something that already is a part of him?

Later, when he's done thinking about everything, done wallowing in self-pity, Stefan will blame it on his perpetually seventeen-year-old emotional self and the fact that constantly losing everyone he holds dear has taken a toll on him, but for a moment he thinks that maybe he should stop trying to push Klaus away, maybe they should just –

– do what they're always doing, saying too much without saying anything at all, stuck in that little dance of theirs for the rest of forever.

They really should talk about it sometime, beating around the bush gets old after a while.

Because even now Klaus keeps giving him these _looks_, emotions pooling in his eyes, tries so hard to get back in Stefan's good graces, keeps saying _you and me, you and I, we,_ and his face lights up whenever they're together – and Stefan can't just _ignore_ that even if he doesn't want to know what exactly is going on in Klaus' head.

He's not his friend, his brother, his – whatever Klaus wants him to be. But Klaus is always there, whether Stefan likes it or not, always patiently waiting, and knowing that someone would wait for him for so long is a bit frightening and overwhelming and it sort of reminds Stefan of Damon being a love fool for Katherine for nearly a century and a half but he'd rather not think about what – _whatever_ he and Klaus have like that, he doesn't need to get even more confused.

It's just that sometimes Stefan misses having someone who accepts him completely, someone who actually wants every part of him, the good, the bad and everything in between.

Damon and Elena acknowledge his dark side but don't accept it, how could they, how could anyone accept that there's a part of him that wants to maim and kill and make others bleed simply because he _can_.

How could anyone other than Klaus –

Oh.

_Oh_.

Maybe that's the real issue.

Because sometimes Stefan doesn't know he needs something until it's right _there_ in front of him, his for the taking, but he still doesn't notice it until it's too late and he's so, so tired of almost having everything and having to watch slip right through his fingers.

Sometimes Stefan misses Nik.


End file.
